Log in

Previous 10

Nov. 24th, 2015

erin links to bridget

wish and it might come true

Ki, posting exactly on this day eight years ago, in 2007:

'Step One --

Make a post to your LJ. The post should contain your list of ten holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fun (I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for -- title -- on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car / computer / house / TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want... make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post... where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.

Step Two --

Surf around... to see who has posted their list.
And now here's the important part:
If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use -- or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset hound for free -- do it. You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf -- to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not -- it's your call... wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

I can't give anyone anything that costs money and unfortunately that includes stuff that needs to be shipped, but I can do arts stuff (and scan/whatever a high-res copy over, give people music (I have lots of music on my computer. Lots!), and, um... stuff like that?

...books. omg. I love books. I tend to like modern fantasy (think Kim Harrison, the older Anita Blake books, the Zodiac series, the series about the cool wizard dude named Harry or something... etc.) And anything (fiction or not) that deals with abuse issues. And... hm. I like a lot of different genres. Basically books are really awesome... any sort of gifts are cool!'

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Brad/Silverplate88, co-Mod:
I reposted her thoughts last April in our memorial journal. It's timely once again as Thanksgiving gets here two days from now, Christmas in less than a month, the first holy candle of Hanukkah / Chanoeka Sameach is lighted at sundown on December 6, Eid is approaching too.

Eight years has made no difference for JK Rowling / Harry Potter, if anything they are more popular than ever.

As I noted in April, it's not the point that she herself wanted to be an elf.
She wants you to.

Two of the many things that live on in the hearts of us who love her is her compassion and her generosity. Those are timeless and will remain that way.

Anne Frank (also pronounced in Europe as "Ann-A") once wrote, at about the same age as Ki, that no one is so poor that they cannot give someone a smile and a kind word, someone in need.

May the blessings of your holiday seasons fill you with joy and peace, as they wished and as we wish for one another.

Machaya Hamatim from Silver

Oct. 16th, 2015

erin links to bridget

I honestly believe

"I honestly believe they would not give a damn if I died tomorrow."

That's what Ki posted on Saturday afternoon April 12, talking about the treatment her roommates were giving her: "I'm invisible, apparently, unless I'm doing something wrong."

Then came Sunday morning April 13.

There's no record of who gave what in the give-a-damn department. I'm sure each of them went for some type of counseling, except Sophie, who'd just left to do a standup routine in NYC at the NewYorikan Theatre.

Fast forward almost eight-and-one-half years later, we're standing at the counter at the Evergreen bookstore on campus, which is totally turned-around now. The checkout lady is joined by a student intern.

The lady notices that Brad is using an "assistive device", a walker, to help him get around because he is dying of cancer that's currently affecting one leg. Among other places.

The lady smiles and says, "Don't go down there." We'd been talking about the centerpiece of our trip, a walk down the trail in miserable spooky gloomy damp weather to the Pacific coastline to take photos to share with you. It's maybe a mile or two. There's a road too. No car for us, neither of us drives.

The weather is 70 degrees, VERY sunny, warm, humid, fogless, spooky-less, not a drop of rain.

And now this.

Bookstore lady does not think B will make it safely, he will do something stupid like fall over, break a hip, internal bleeding, crap like that. And Ki DID give a damn about that --- roommates or not ---, if it happened.

Brad tells it: Ki just said one word to me, "Listen." Then she vanished.

She wasn't standing next to me anymore. She wasn't INside me anymore, either. OMG what a weird feeling. First time since 2005.... ... ...

Later on, after awhile, she came back, told me that she totally knows how well I take advice, it's precisely the same thing as she does, each of us is a rebel that does what we want, she had to do something to get my attention.

Well, it worked.

So, yes, there WILL be pictures, there are something like 1,016 of them over six days, all need editing and sorting, B is doing that now. Next post some will be here.

But Evergreen is just not the same as 8 years ago, it's physically and spiritually waaaaay different. They've put millions into redesigning and rebuilding everything at the center of campus; now the large cafeteria / meeting space where we --- and lots of the other kids --- ate, has now been carved up into nine or ten separate little food centers tucked away on different floors. It was totally silent at two in the afternoon on a class weekday, nobody at all sitting at the information desk, nobody ever appeared. The library, ditto. Now they've created two wings and multiple floors, the computer center where Ki went into emo shock over being dumped by her bf Ruud is way upstairs from where it was, which is now a WRITING CENTER with a big capital-letter sign (and closed doors)... the feeling you get when you walk through the libe front doors is that you are entering an abandoned airline terminal, with very high ceilings. No sense of community at all. Lots of hollow echoes.

The most "exciting" thing that happened is that somebody tripped the fire alarm in the bldg., strobe lights started flashing all over the place, kids strolled out one by one taking a LONG time, nobody much cared...

All the life was happening downtown, ArtsFair weekend, we got there in time for the second day of it; we watched dancing in the streets, lots of sidewalk chalkers = kids of all ages. Street troubadours. Really good voices, too.

And there was even a little fog one morning, way high up in the trees outside our hotel. Not the kind that hugs you into oblivion.

B decided he would have to move out there so there will be lots of weekends --- not just one --- to go study the fog and the spookies and make photos to see who shows up in them.

Which is exactly what he is going to do.

He even got suggestions -- from three people -- to establish residency and GO to Evergreen. Get into the grad program. And tutor.

They can't be serious.

But they were... ?

First problem is, you can't establish residency from Boston.


Oct. 8th, 2015


did no mean NO???

Well, this is the way it would be put these days.

As a radical feminist and ardent champion of grrls' and women's rights, Ki would have been entranced by our new Friend Kassie, also spelled Kassandra. Certainly Ki was surface-knowledgable about Greek mythology.

There are a bunch of legends about Cassandra (variant spelling.) C had a twin brother Helenus, she was born very beautiful, joined the cult of the god Apollo by taking a vow of chastity. Permanent chastity.

One night Apollo looked over his group of priestesses and had another idea. As a male god, he can do anything he wants, right? (How times change...)

Apollo's idea was to enjoy the favours of Cassandra. There were three possibilities:

C said no and meant NO.

C said no and meant maybe, what do I get from you in return?

C said yes, but you gotta give me something too, in return.

(Now this is Evergreen in October 2015, this kinda convo would never be happening now, right?)

Anyway, what seems to have happened is that she makes Apollo give first, he gives her the gift of prophecy, then she says no dice, get the $@^%$(*&&%# out of my bedroom chamber. Those words to a male God, imagine! So he curses her with the curse that she will always be right in her ability to foretell the events of the future but nobody will ever believe her.

So with C it's out of the temple and into the streets.

C grabs hold of twin bro Helenus and tells him the secrets of accurate prophecy but that's part of the curse too, everybody believes him and nobody believes her. Ever.

Finally our heroine ends up as a court whore of King Agamemmnon, gets into a love triangle and gets murdered by the King alongside the King's wife.

This would all be right up Ki's writing alley, she'd do a song spinoff or two, short story / stories / scenarios, somehow turn the curse around so it would be puffed-up Apollo who does the suffering.

This is all to welcome new Friend Kassie who has had no idea at all of the legend behind her namesake, starting with worship of polytheism, about as far away from Kassie as one could get!

Refs at https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cassandra


Brings up a remembrance of what Ki's religious approach had been, what resonates is her journey. She journaled "The Jews are my people" and also "I'm a bad Jew --- I ate piggie!!!" --- this last referring to a pork barbeque or something. But she was also exploring Islam and Wicca... Kiotara al'Astraya is a combo of Korean faith and Arabic, al'Astraya meaning "to the stars" and / or "of the stars". And her Mom Susan's background is Kansas Christian Protestant (of some variety). Ki was the only child in her family (two younger sisters, three younger brothers) who had been born in the USA rather than in Israel.

What she was NOT attracted to at all was faith-based political controversy, principally Israeli - Palestinian, Hebrew - Islam. I'd been sure that we could go to the launch of Rachel Corrie's book "Let Me Stand Alone" at the Evergreen libe on the second night we were together, she said no, it's all about politics, I said no way, it's all about creative writing, you're now in the same program as she had been ten years earlier... but she ended up staying in bed, cutting the event and her class, (and herself, it turned out later), got up about midnight or so.

We're starting our day at the Rachel Corrie museum / display / this morning downtown, on our way back up to campus.

Blessings Be from Brad / silverplate88

Oct. 7th, 2015

Autumn Whisperings

Kassie part two

So I'm new at this, there's always a first time.

Kassie's LJ UserId is KASSNWAFOR and I think LJ will recognize her in either UPPER or lower case, I put it in as lowercase.

If you see this unusual new LJ account in our Friends list, it's her!

Welcome to Kassie

This is a big step for us, I've discussed it with my Co-Mod Otter.

Kassie is on the staff at my hotel here in Olympia, and two days ago we had an intense spiritual talk and exploration of Anna's path as I was part of that from 2005 onward. K knows all about why I am in Olympia now, on my way to campus tomorrow (it is
Wednesday 07 October at 1:43AM as I type this.)

Kassie will be the first Friend among us who has had no direct experience of Anna. Also as I write this, she is sitting ten feet away from me at the reception desk and has already accessed our memorial site, so Friending her is just another way of linking her to us.

K is 20 and originally moved to here to Olympia, in Washington State, from Kansas, both states in the USA.

Blessings Be as we are expanding our table.

Oct. 6th, 2015

Autumn Whisperings

BGNINGS and activate love

Brad at Evergreen returning:

BGNINGS is the vanity license plate on a Jeep next to the front door of my hotel, loved it, hurried to take photos before it disappeared with a guest. But it didn't. Belongs to someone on the staff. The front grille and that plate stare at me through my front window, about six feet away, it's the first thing I see in the morning. The state of Washington, USA, restricts your plate to seven characters. You pay extra to get that spelling, it's why governments here (and of course in the EU) love them.

BGNINGS are what our life is all about now, it's not just a memorial to April 2008 or October 2007 anymore...

These mornings start at about 39F/8C and days get to 77F/25C, WTF, I brought heavy coats and raingear, would rather it be -20F/-29C.

We'll have rain later this week and I want it when we trail down to the Pacific coast on campus.

Evergreen's Fall student count, they're just figuring out, classes started just Monday week ago, 28 Sept, these days there's Drop/Add, all that stuff. Last year's freshling count was 1527 admitted, 543 showed up. Class of 2018. Class of 2011 was Kiota's, this time 8 years ago she had about 630 kids entering alongside her...

Her creative writing classes are only about half full now, were she a current freshling she could get in --- permission required, instr has to admit you, same thing in Oct 2007.

Kiota's table was very full -- falling into love and lust and into bed with a new girl (who lived off-campus) two weeks ahead of her first class while balancing an LDR with boyfriend in Belgium/Holland; adapting to new friends and roommates almost all of whom came through high schools in the USA and had no idea what the experience of alternative HS education meant in Israel, and did not care much; sending one of her photo clients / mentors a full reading list, to the Univ of Vermont at Burlington School of Medicine (that would be Brad) a continent away across the USA, asking for his evaluations and suggestions; establishing drug connections on campus (which had been all too easy, she marveled to me f2f that she could easily get stash delivered to her dorm room if her order was large enough)...

Just a few little adjustment thingies like that. Israel was half the world away now.

She also joined in with the Evergreen LGBT support group, that's what the 'activate love' motto is related to. The VERY big dog around here is the Univ of Washington, 1861, 54,000 kids in 16 colleges & schools, more than 12,000 grads every year, that's twenty-five times bigger than the entire Evergreen freshman class last year. Compare: Evergreen, 1967, 4,219 kids mostly on one campus, right here in Olympia, maybe a couple thousand grads each year.

So what?

The Univ of Washington has a very big LGBT support group too, we watched their video on the univ cable channel, in their wall mural is the motto ACTIVATE LOVE with a heart-shaped O, done in vivid red paint.

That's what.

Activate love is not restricted to one campus or another, or to one life or another, or even to one existence or another. It survives (Latin = sur + vivo/vivere, life above)... survives all kinds of things. No?

You don't have to speak Latin like an expert or a Freshling to comprehend. In fact, through one channel there are no words at all.


o o o o o o o o o o o ooo

in other news, we're taking lots of photos but the processing software is all back on Brad's desk in Cambridge Mass so we will be posting asap!

Oct. 1st, 2015

Autumn Whisperings

Psalm 91: I honor your embrace

Psalm 91 is "frequently part of Jewish funeral rites."

I adapted and expanded the text to honor another LJer, UserID Lotus82, whose memorial page is still up, the last time I looked. Lois called Evergreen Security to try to find out information on and after Sunday April 13 when Ki had made her final response to her LJ farewell post. Lois had been stonewalled because she was not identified as a family member. This continued into midweek when Dean of Students Phyllis Lane made the announcement.

"She has delivered you from the snares of the trappers
And from your deadly pestilence;
She has enwrapped you with Her colors
And deep inside Her wings She caresses you with ceaseless safety
Within your new dwelling.
Within the refuge of Her blessings and powers
You no longer fear the terrors of the night
Nor the rockets that fly by day,
Nor your diseases that stalked you in darkness,
Nor the heat that parched you at noon.
She has given you into Her Angels' charge
To protect you on all your new journeys together.
And upon their wings have They borne you upwards,
Far above the stones on which you have stumbled,
Far above the hungers of the animals who have torn you.

I have rescued you, never to part asunder,
And I honor your embrace, one breast into another.
I have joined you into life everlasting
That you both dwell in the shelters of the Most High
And abide in the firelight of the Almighty
So shall I comfort you with My peace beyond the end of days."

I intend no disrespect to Psalm 91 at all, nor to the Christian Bible, not to any of the Songs of King David, which is what the psalms are. I simply felt a correspondence between some of the feelings of the Psalmist and Lois + Kiota.

The reference to "rockets" is of course anachronistic, refers to Ki's poem / short story / song lyrics "To The Stars", one of her favourites which she played on her guitar.

The breast embrace refers to a photo, now lost, that Ki once made of the two of them; she used a timed-release, snuggled up to Lois inside a clothes closet, backlighted their silhouettes, and produced an intimate shadowplay image of their two profiles.

Both Lois and Ki suffered with PTSD from sexual attacks as children / early teenagers; both were Jewish; both went through depression, eating disorders; both were bisexual. What speaks loudly to me across the years was that Lois, dying from the effects of Cystic Fibrosis, was really too sick to go out in the streets of Be'er Sheba to party at New Year's when 2010 turned into 2011; she said to hell with it, I wanna have a rocking good time, and she did. In January she collapsed and on 25 Feb 2011 she died in-hospital from organ failure due to CF complications. She was 29, her last bday had been 22 Dec.


R. Tagore, from GITANJALI: "I have come to the brink of eternity from which nothing can vanish: not hope, not happiness, not the vision of a face seen through tears. Oh, dip my emptied life into that ocean, plunge it into the deepest fullness..."


"may her memory be for a blessing", phrase used by Rabbis in the Jewish memorial service, it is the promise of spiritual companionship near the end that gives us hope.

Blessings Be from Brad / Silverplate88
posting on the last afternoon before flying back, and forward, to Evergreen to have tea and make images with Ms. al'Astraya. Filled with peace.

Dear Anna Rosenfeld

Well, that's what the first line of the Gmail said.

Actually calling me her name??

My Co-Mod Otter forwarded this email to me, it was from LJ, they want more money, a computer-generated letter no doubt.

But OMG do you want to get my attention or what?? Like an electric shock!

Especially now! It's Thursday 01 October right now and tomorrow, once all goes well, JetBlue will scoop me up here in Boston and we will go 35,000 feet and six hours into Seattle, then by bus down to Olympia and Evergreen.

It won't be like last time, feels totally different, last time was Aug 2008 and I was on my way to Israel, first choosing a few pebbles on campus to prepare to take overseas where I would hold a private ceremony celebrating her life... placing pebbles or stones on someone's grave is part of the Jewish burial tradition. But things turned out differently, my guide (and Ki's former model and lover) had almost been killed in a car crash so my trip was to visit her in the hospital, then on to one of Ki's most important creative sites for her photography near Jerusalem, and the ceremony was held there... it was really for all of you, her LJ Friends, whom I mentioned in the ceremony I wrote...

As she would say, I digress.

This time there will be lots of photographs -- in April 2008 I didn't yet have a camera, I certainly do now, a Digital Rebel type S SLR (hers was a Rebel xTi)... and I think I've mentioned that it might be my physical eye that sets up the shots and my physical finger that presses the button, but it will be Kiota in her presences who will really be doing all the sessions. The weather will be spooky and terribly rainy and we will go down to the Pacific Ocean on a campus trail, as we'd planned in 2008 but never did, and Otter asked for photos, and she will certainly get them, and I will publish some here too.

This time will not be closure for mee, for those last four days we shared before her suicide. This time will be all about going onwards. And, upwards.

The day I fly home to Boston it will be almost seven years plus half of another since Ki had gone on to her new re-birthday.

Ki would have been 26 years old last April 30, so she is now almost 26-and-a-half, by our count.

In whatever ways we allow her to come close to us and keep coming if we wish it, and those are highly personal, those numbers of fractional 26 mean nothing.

You can't number eternity.

Not yours, not mine.

And that is the ultimate blessing she leaves with us.

Then, now, tomorrow, anytime.

Beyond time. Beyond space. And as near as your next breath.

Blessings Be from Brad

Sep. 8th, 2015

Olympus Sureshot

like a duck to water

The icon is Ki looking into the view display of her Olympus SureShot on a shoot in Holland.

Brad writing: over the weekend I was chatting with my co-Mod Otter and I talked about where Ki and I were going with her photography in the future. It occurred to me that probably you never knew about any of this, so I wanted to record it here:

"The main connection between Ki and me and THE VORTEX, my home theatre, is that three days before I flew to meet Ki, I was in Austin meeting with the Producing Artistic Director, we were working out the details for a photo exhibit and reception for Ki when she came back from Cambodia. I would rent space in the theatre, they would host a reception for her, her photos would be displayed in the theatre gallery for awhile, she could report all this to Evergreen and it would look tremendous on her academic resumes.

The exhibition was set for Fall 2008 or Spring 2009. The theatre has a very strong Lesbian and artistic vibe, they were ALL eager to meet her, I think she would have been SO welcomed that she would have taken to it like a duck to water. She has relatives in Dallas, so that's close, and her grandfather would be invited from Idaho. The VORTEX is always eager to meet new artists and to host new work. They got excited about some of KI's prints I was able to show them.

This all came down nine days before she was going to leave us... the last weekend previous to that.."

It would have been her first public exhibition anywhere...

I'm all excited currently, seven and a half years later, because in three weeks I will again fly out to Olympia, travel to Evergreen, and go out doing some of the things we never got to do... one will be doing a photoshoot in the woods, down the trails toward -- and at -- the Pacific coastline which is part of the campus... Of course she will be right there at my side, guiding my new camera, as she always has.

Blessings Be from Brad

Aug. 1st, 2015


the unwanted dancer

I don't know what to do... slept for an hour, then my Mom woke me up... she's been so angry at me lately. She told me, quite bluntly, that she needs me to be out of the house more. Needs me to sleep at Lachan tonight, not at home.

I am feeling quite unwanted. No, not just feeling. AM unwanted in my own home. And it's my fault for being so fucked up.

I don't know what to do. I am crying now and I can't go to Theatre like this and I have no energy for fucking Theatre, I didn't go to Ballet because my Mom says she's cancelling it. Theatre... fuck, I don't know. She said I have to sleep at Lachan today and that means going to Theatre. Means I have to get up and walk there and then I have to go to the class and once there I have to talk and must dance...

I can't. I can't. I have been depressed for so fucking long and if I go out of here I will never stop crying. I can't fucking cope and I can't stay at home because my Mom will be so angry and resentful and I honestly feel like she doesn't love me anymore. Bullshit, I know, but she seems so fucking angry and she refuses to touch me.

Fucking Catch-22. And I'm caught in the middle. Between the rock and the eagle.



Ki would be seventeen in a couple of months after she posted this. Lachan is the reference to Lachan School for At-Risk Youth, which is just a short walk down the hill from her family home. Lachan was started by two Israeli army veterans who wanted to give kids advantages they'd never had growing up. There are a bunch of "caravans" scattered around, we'd call them mobile home house trailers, converted into small dormitories where each student had a bunk, Ki included. Classes were held in separate buildings, Lachan has horse stables too. How Ki got there is that her parents took her out of the inpatient psychiatric treatment facility Eitanim in Jan 2004 and enrolled her in Lachan (since she'd dropped out of school earlier, needed alternative education, and had been living on the streets.) Theatre class had been started by a generous donor, students wrote a couple of plays and toured them internationally (before Ki's time.)

I visited the school on my trip to Israel and was able to meet with some of Ki's teachers and eat with the Co-Director and a few kids. Her English prof remembered her vividly and showed me her academic locker.

Ki would pretty much operate out of Lachan, not her family home, before she moved to America to take college courses at Northern Idaho Community College and to enter Evergreen's Class of 2011 in Fall '07...

The reference to the rock and the eagle is from mythology, Vulcan was the blacksmith to the gods and his assistant Prometheus stole the secret of fire and gave it to mortals, so V chained P so tightly to a rock on the seacoast that he couldn't move, and condemned him to stay alive while an eagle ate pieces out of his liver each day, while P was helpless to defend himself.

Previous 10