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inflamed

and watch the phoenix rise

...crazy is the love of night
unlit by a glaring moon
or specks of stars too far to reach in a thousand lifetimes

crazy is alternate sanity
collapsing in a shower of sparks
to bring the fires
to burn the lies and truths together
to let it all crumble
to ashes
and watch the phoenix rise

(posted to AG, 2003)

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My daydreams are so vivid I can actually start crying or cowering or something because of something I was daydreaming. I'm on the verge of not recognizing what is reality and what was something that just happened in a daydream. Scary. Eeep. At leat I'm not seeing things. Just thinking things. Who needs sanity, anyway? I mean, I CAN hide the fact that I'm crazy...
(2003-01-07)

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I am getting the feeling that I am getting a little weird in the head... O.o I feel like my mind is a dark cavern, and if I want to badly enough, I can just crawl into my mind and close the door... Forever... I spent the entire bus ride wondering what is real.
(2003-02-28)

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I'm scaring me... I'm an automaton. Program me to smile, program me to laugh, program me to do a test and sleep and eat and walk around. Beep beep beep.
(2003-03-13)

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Five years later, when we were sitting on campus steps, she talked about being dissociated, feeling like "I'm not really there." The three LJ entries posted above were ones she'd retrieved in 2006, bringing them forward three years to repost them. Originals from when she was thirteen.

So, the continuity.

She wrote of those daydreams, and lived them. She mined that dark cavern and never closed the door tight shut. She mined her cavern and brought out abundant brilliance for us to share. In many ways and forms...

Tomorrow is April 30. She will be 26. In our earth years, as we measure.

But, really ---

She will be timeless, as usual. Computers sing Beep Beep Beep and wind up in recycling yards.

Many of us are listening to a much different song, in our own way, from our own needs.

No automaton there!!

Rather, her phoenix, the mythical bird emerging from the ashfires of death -- from the fires "to burn the lies and truths together" -- the phoenix soaring with the widest most powerful wings, easily big enough to take each of us along on our ride and to enfold us safely against the winds. For as long as the journey is, and will be.

Machaya Hamatim from Silverplate88/Brad

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