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but I'm nothing unusual

2006-05-03

I feel like a failure at... creation.

My art, mostly. Actually, everything. Writing and music as well. I'm... decent. That's all I am. I can play any instrument -- if you give me an hour or two to figure it out. Wow. So what? I can play the piano. I can play well -- but I'm no genius, I'm nothing spectacular. I couldn't compose to save my life. I can't create music. And writing? People like my writing. Occasionally, I like my writing. But I'm nothing unusual. Rejection notes pile up. Maybe it's not because I'm bad, but because my stories just aren't their style, aren't appropriate, etc. etc. Point is, doesn't matter if I'm good because no one wants my shit.

000 1B tacklesnug 2 (8) (2a).jpg

And art? I have about... oh, a couple hundred photographs to sort through and post. But... they all suck. All my photos do. Some of them are good. But... just good. Not fantastic. On DeviantArt, I'm not one of those people who get millions of page views, who get hundreds of favorites on whatever they post, who actually manage to sell their prints. I'm not BAD at photography.. just, not exceptional. I have a couple of fans who regularly ooh and aah... but just a couple... My photos are nice... and that's all they are.

I can't seem to advance. I'm good, but 'good' isn't enough. I'm a failure. (entry ends here)

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So. You aren't anything unusual?

Well, some folks didn't agree (and none of us here do, obviously.) Like your faculty in Writing From Life, where their department awarded you a 45-credit academic contract to go do more, and your dorm-mates told me that's totally unheard of for a second-semester freshgrrl.

And like Aperture Foundation: they did not agree either. Aperture is an internationally-famous art exhibitor and publisher (go google them!)

Aperture's staff in midtown New York were all excited to talk with you after you let me show them this pic:

BECKY is the artist taking the_discarded_by_anna_rosenfeld.jpg

They wanted to ask you to join their exhibit of new unpublished artists with bi-national backgrounds. (A New York exhibit that might travel to Europe!!) A background which you certainly had. And you were talking with them about all that, during the week I was with you.

In April 2008. The photo is from 2005. There were more you made that were spectacular. A year before you decided you weren't any good, in your 2006 post.

So my point is that it gets you nowhere nurturing, to define yourself solely by your failures, by what other people think of you.... and I know you said this, in your last days: " I've read all the self-help books. I could fucking write the self-help books", trashing the genre.

"Since love and belonging are two of the most central human emotional and spiritual needs, shame feels profoundly dangerous to us... so we have a tendency to FURTHER isolate ourselves by bringing in secrecy, silence, and judgment of others... but the good news is"... that we can break the cycle by doing things differently: "if instead of nurturing our shame we nurture ourselves and remember our inherent worthiness... reminding ourselves that ---

we aren't defined by our failures, we are worthy of love no matter what."

That's a review of some ideas in DARING GREATLY by Brene' Brown, new edition by Avery Publishing, came out 07 April 2015, ten bucks paperback at Amazon. There's a Kindle version too.

It works on exploring how you can refocus.

Your life as well as your camera.

One size does NOT fit all, there're plenty of choices in what you might read in Brene' Brown.

"I'm a failure" can be a very positive thing.

Go see why.

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Brad/Silverplate88 co-Mod

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