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I can't keep falling forever

talking and laughing and being friends

Brad: since we have a memorial website, it is important to remember some of the anguish and grief too: she put her arms around that stuff in our lives, embraced us so we could heal, And we should offer her our arms too, do the same for her memory, in the few words that we have.

Ki talks of Ruud, her ex-boyfriend in Europe:

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Cried at first and felt terrible but I'm getting over him.  I'm not in love with him anymore.  I love him,but ... yeah.

But now it's hitting me.  He walked away. The only person in my life who ever truly loved me walked away.  The only person I ever felt I could talk to walked away.

I hate myself.

I don't think I was ever as alone as I am now. (2008-04-12 early afternoon)

..I'm so scared and I'm so lonely.  It hurts to look at people just... talking and laughing and being friends. Hurts to be around people, it just makes it so much more clear that I will be alone. I can't keep trying anymore...  (2008-04-12, final entry)

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DISCOVER magazine is a popularization of med research, there were three articles that directly speak to Ki's path:

2007-07-31  Is it Possible to Erase a Single Memory?

short article at http://discovermagazine.com/2008/jan/why-loneliness-is-bad-for-you

2008-10-22 Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mouse: Scientists Erase Mice Memories

One important idea is that medTechs have developed a chemcal that acts as a switch to block the protein responsible for remembering a traumatic memory, so the effect is that the events making you depressed/suicidal never happened in terms of your memory recall. erasing the fear and pain they were causing you. You can't access them anymore.   And it leaves the rest of your memory circuits unaffected.

I recall seeing the October report in my med school libe and being amazed -- if only the human version of this could have been made available to Ki in time...or to many of us, in fact.

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