April 13, 2008 and April 13, 2018

April 13, 2008 was a Sunday. Early that morning Ki took her own life and rebirthed into a new existence, new for each of her Friends on that day. Once we got through our mourning periods, she was there if we were open. If we weren't, she waited.

April 13, 2018 is a Friday, two days from now. This is your co-Mod Brad / Silverplate88 posting, I won't be in a place where I can get online this coming Friday, don't have any internet at home. So I'm doing this remembrance early.

It's ironic that I have been in a hospital for the past four days now --- this week of ALL weeks --- when Ki hates hospitals. She is giving me lots of object lessons why. Once I got unplugged from all the microbial chemicals they were pumping into my veins and arteries, I immediately started feeling better. Exhausted, but better. LOTS better.

I left AMA too -- Against Medical Advice -- just as Ki's Dad once pulled her out of Eitanim, her inpatient psych hospital in Jan 2004.

But here's really what Ki and I and Otter want to share.

Ki and I wrote a poem right there in my first-grade class in Washington State, USA, (where I'm a volunteer teacher) a couple weeks ago. It's in our book. It's based on artwork by Jan Wisse, you can Google him if you want, he's an artist based in Amsterdam. Where Ki and I both visited... in 2007 and 2008.

my eyes hollow our face with pain...
close your hand into mine again still
and i will kiss your tears with my palms;
our love
always reaches to this measureless depth
and i will rescue you,
so may i ever shelter you together into my heart,
where our tears soar away,
iced with fire,
tracking their high trails across all our vapoured years

What Ki wants you to know is that she does not count years anymore and it does not matter, she is as close to you as you will let her be, in any way you will, and all the ways you need her... her pain is gone these ten years and always, and her love for each of us is permanent.

Blessings Be.

Of Eternity's Girl

Anna 7

There have been some milestones passing. On Sunday 26 November, the first day of the 500th week started: the 500th week we have had her spiritual being but not her physical body any longer. In America, it was four days after our Thanksgiving celebration.

We have had her spirit with us if we have chosen to open to this; 500 weeks is close to ten years, and not every one of us has had the experience of her love, not constantly over every one of those weeks or days.

Ki chose to move herself into another world because her deep pain was always there when she awakened, no matter whether her tortured sleep came at night, during the day, twilight, mid-morning, whenever... "I can't do this anymore... I will just have to keep on hurting...I'm sorry" were among her final words posted here on LJ (in her original journal, of course, not this Memorial one.)

We are also about halfway through the current 8-day celebration of Hanukkah, the miracle of eight candles lighted each night when there was only enough oil for one. In the Jewish tradition, it's the period of holy days most closely associated with light.

In the Western and Eastern Christian traditions, we are only a few days away from Christmas, the remembrance of the Nativity of the prophet and teacher Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

Your co-Mod Otter and I have been very active on Facebook recently, that's why there have not been many (or any) posts here.

During these seasons of light, Brad has been assembling a small photoMonograph book of images drawn from Israel (when he visited), from Holland (when he lived there), and from America (his home now.) And Ki is right here helping with the process. It's a remembrance of her life as well as a milestone of Brad's, in that this is the first book for both of us.

The title comes from the last line of a 67-line poem, the final section of which introduces the book. In a vital way, Ki has written this also, through my hands; it's a dialogue:

I can't be who you are
I can't sing what you say:
the Canon we love, the tapestry weave,
your fingers on keys
dancing measures of peace...
So since you are asking
I want you to know:
past those miles of hurt
and through these years of our woe,
the stars are still singing
the warmth of the sun;
and through the sound of our wings
this silence now comes,
and their symphonies mist
round Eternity's child.

All waters dissolve, all tears disappear.

Come here Mentor, you will mark
the starry-arced paths of Eternity's Child;
Come on, Mentor, you will feel
the spike-punctured spume
crest Eternity's tides;
These pine-splintered leaves
enclose my crimson-sheathed steel;
and your evergreen cones,
round my oblivion
midst griefs of this night,
cry this wreath of veined light,
opened circle to twirl,
to cradle forest-warmed curls
Of Eternity's Girl

There's no period at the end because there is no period to the journey.

Practically every word is relating to something in Ki's life and writing, and explaining all the linkages would make this post much too long, we'll do it in the next one.

I do want to mention an early and longtime LJ Friend, emeraldwilwarin. Kayla has written a book titled "Butterfly Paperweight", and she also has inspired this post. We have touched a few times on Facebook.

The intention of the poem is to bring you along through Kiota's last moments in April 2008, and into her places now where there is no time: all time is the same time, and all places are the same place: she can be --- and is --- everywhere and nowhere at the same moment, as we type this and as you read it and as we touch you.

Or not. As you will.

And composing the poem is not easy to do because we're asking words to build bridges through time and the words have to be stretched to bursting.

Blessings Be for all of us around her table of light. This night and all of them.

:Brad, co-Mod with Otter of Ki's Memorial Journal

full circle

IMG_9699 (3) greener grn.jpg

This image is the first page of Pachelbel's Canon in D. Pachelbel wrote it in the late 1690's and this copy was drafted in the early 19th-Century. The style of writing in 1694 was open diamond outline shapes beneath stems, not the filled black globes we know today

Those must have been sixty-fourth notes or one-hundred-twenty-eighth notes in the lower stanzas, a frenzy of playing.

Ki loves this piece above all other classical pieces, "I never tire of it. I've played it on the piano hundreds of times and listened to the orchestras play it thousand of times." The solo piano arrangement, which she has mastered, is quite intricate in both hands.

Full circle today: it is the very first class day for me, I have now spent hours in PhotoLand, a photo processing and creative lab complex in the libe basement which did not exist in Fall 2007 when Ki started her Evergreen career. Ten years later, in October 2017, I've now signed on to take mentor classes to learn how to use their hardware and software, applied to my own work...

A Greener is mentoring me, instead of the other way around, as I did with Ki.

The fact that I'm doing serious photography at all is a direct result of her inspiration, it's a time bridge across the 493 weeks she has been gone and across the 54 weeks I have moved here to live and work near Evergreen... My book is coming, a small giveaway one, produced here with their high-quality assistance, and she is one of the three people it will be dedicated to.

Her veins still pulse here, unbroken and unscarred, and we who've followed at her table for ten years know exactly what I mean.

May each of us find our ways into the peace and creative fulfillment we need and want, in our own time, in our own ways.

Blessings Be from Brad / silverplate88 co-Mod with Otter

Class of 2021

IMG_9615 (3) Kiota.JPG

A pic taken yesterday outside the library side entrance. We loved the speeding contrasts of light and shadow as the day dies into sunset toward night, the sideways sun thrusting through the trees as they move toward being mantled with dusk, then evening, afterglow shapeshifting into deep purples as the branches donned their mantle of darkness.

My Evergreen class is the Class of 2011. The Class of 2021, some of them, are already here, meeting with faculty/staff or going through their self-made orientations now (officially, there was an early one last May and Fall Quarter classes won't start for another five weeks or so. O.o)

So, ten years now.

So ten years back from right now today, I was getting ready to move here. I'm pissed because Reed College in Oregon was my first choice, applied Early Decision but they didn't take me, so I'm planning not to even get close to graduation here in 2011, I'll stay maybe a year and transfer.

I don't give a shit about politics, I never watch TV or the news. I know that's weird because I'm from Israel, crap going on there all the time. Snipers in the hills near my home, blah blah blah.

But Brad has some thoughts about Evergreen, and since we are totally posting in time-warp here, he'll share with you as well as mee. I don't wanna talk about cops, and you know why.

<=> <=> <=> <=> <=>

Racial unrest and threat levels last June got so high that Public Safety sent law-enforcement teams, cops and troops and riot vehicles, and the college campus was shut down for three days. For their safety the kids were restricted to their dorms, told to move only in groups or order takeout. For the first time in campus history, graduation was not held in Red Square but in a closed stadium off-campus, with full security restrictions at the guarded entrances.

Today's apprehension is that racial protests could all start up again... the majority of May/June radicals were NOT graduating Seniors, so Spring's first-year kids are coming right back here. Plus the Classes of 2019 and 2020.

Were Ki still with us, and had been accepted as a member of the Class of 2021, not 2011, I'm interested to play with the ideas of what would happen.

I'm certain that Ki's nearest relatives (her Mom's parents, her grandparents in Idaho) would have been reading all the headlines and so were fully aware of this stuff of early Summer, and so were her parents in the West Bank (through coverage in the New York Times and other places, our events became international.)

Of course there would be great concern for her safety, especially from her Mom, Susan.

With Ki's academic history it was hard to get her into ANY first-tier college in America even though money was not an issue. And social contact was among their priority items to encourage for her.

Real tough problem for perceptive, caring parents: is the potential risk worth the gain of the Evergreen systems of education?

Well, Washington State hardly has cornered the market on campus unrest, violence, and police interventions --- here in America that all is happening in lots of other places too. In Europe as well!

The choice might be to have Ki to sit at her computer and take courses online, sit in safety, studying from wherever she wanted or they decided. That would totally appeal to her shyness and isolation.

And it would also totally frustrate her as an artist, and more totally damage her social interactions with real flesh-and-blood persons as opposed to cyberspace responders.
(Not that she would think this is bad, since she had been counseling on TeenHelp for years, talking to clients she would never meet f2f.) (And went on doing this way into her last Saturday night with us here on campus...)

And, she wouldn't have any Evergreen forests of a thousand acres to roam in at night. Being physically here, she would come to know many trails. Perhaps even the one going among these trees...

Trees that talk to us now of peace and re-birth, life beyond what would be happening mortally in her dorm room.

She wouldn't have to wait ten years for her peace, and to keep moving within our hearts.

And she hasn't.
Rotterdam HS

Holy Redbat!

IMG_8826 (2) kiota LJ Holy Bat-HouseMate, Batgrrl.JPG

Ki is having super-chortles about this. I saw it as I looked out my front porch this morning. Determined that it was flying right toward me.

It's zooming out in front of thirty small cabins, all identical, dozens of peeps want to come live here, bats or no bats. I got accepted this past Monday 24th, am moving in right now.

Each cabin is 144 square feet / 14 square meters. TINY, TINY! All have one bed, one worktable, one toilet, three windows, and a front porch.

It dawned on me that it's VERY close to, if not exactly, the dimensions of Ki's Evergreen dorm room. Take away restroom, two of the windows, and front porch, there you have it.

You could get two people in this bed if one of them is maybe 4-10 (147cm) and curls up on one side.

Been there, actually...

I did not know any of this when I moved in, it's like a super-campus for the homeless. Ki would eat that part up. In fact, she is doing that as you read this.

FINALLY after almost ten months of hopping from room to foldout couch to church shelters to alcoves and back, I have a cabin with a lease, OMG.

It's within easy reach of a bus stop to downtown Oly Transit Center, buses all over the place which take me to work and to Evergreen.

This complex was built in 2014, so it's only four years old, Ki wasn't here then.

But she is now.
Rose petals

the size of this entire world

IMG_8277 (2) LJ.JPG

This is a pic of Carrie Brownstein, co-founder of the girl supergroup Sleater-Kinney, singing a hit from their 2005 album The Woods, entitled "Modern Girl":

"My baby loves me, I'm so hungry,
Hunger makes me a modern girl;
She took my money and bought a doughnut,
The hole's the size of this entire world..."

Carrie fell in love with Corin Tucker while they were both students here at Evergreen, they started the band when Ki was 6. S-K would go on to release seven albums and become international stars in the early 2000's. Music was a hit in the USA and many of the songs have a hard "thrashy" edge, but not as dark as the work of Nightwish, another supergroup which Ki strongly suggested I listen to.

Chester Bennington was the lead singer of a third supergroup, Linkin Park, who said this in a recent interview:

"I find myself getting into these patterns of behavior or thought -- especially when I am stuck up here [in my head]; I like to say that this is like a bad neighborhood, and I should not go walking alone." Chester suffered molestation as a young boy and struggled with addiction throughout his career." Translation: PTSD.

Two days ago, Chester took his own life the same way Kiota did. Moving out of it.

Kiota journaled, in Spring 2008:

"I dissociate a lot...I don't feel like I'm really here."

Ki is a great lover of music and certainly knew Linkin Park, probably also Sleater-Kinney; they released albums across the same times Ki had been in college in Idaho and then was starting here...

Ki and Chester --- both substance users / abusers, both PTSD warriors, both in "bad neighborhoods" in their heads. Both gone now.

Carrie's world amounts to a hole in a doughnut. A void.

So what do you do when your world becomes a void?

Well, you move out of it. A real hole in a real doughnut is small compared to the rest of the food surrounding that hole. So you might not have to move so very far over --- for seeds, frosting, wheat, cream, whatever kind of donut, whatever turns you on in the food department.

In the artistic department: S-K took a long multi-year break, are back together touring now (as a band, not as a couple.) Meantime, Carrie weathered the trauma of breaking up with Corin, went on to feed her art appetites, she co-writes and stars in the TV hit "Portlandia", which has won a couple of Emmys and just got renewed for another season...

Hunger makes modern girls of all of us. Wherever we happen to be today.

And for all the rest of todays to come.

Blessings Be.

<=> <=> <=> <=> <=>

:posted by Ki and Brad / silverplate88, with co-Mod Otter of this site

many Sundays, a single rainbow thread

IMG_8691 (3) kiota.JPG

It has been 480 weeks since Ki's rebirth, nine years plus. It's Sunday morning at about ten in Olympia as I'm photographing and writing this entry.

All those Saturday-nights-into-Sunday mornings. New paths.

Ki is writing in her journal on 31st July 2007, from the room she is sharing over several nights and days with her boyfriend in Europe, talking about her life trajectories up to then:

"...I fell in love with my best friend. My male best friend. Yeah, despite being lesbian. I dunno. I'd known him for years, online, and I fell in love... I'm sitting on his bed right now... I'd like to end this on a happier note... Whee, Ki's all better, had a rough life but she's totally happy now and living it up and hasn't cut in years... and if a guy hits on her, she tells him to fuck off. But that's not how life is: things are never perfect. I have people I can trust... and for once they're not the only reason I'm living. I'm actually living for me. Because life's kind of fun, once you get used to it... I'm going to college in September, I'm going to be living on my own, and I know I can. I'm going to study to be a social worker.. {So} I did survive, and it was worth it. There is good in the world, and there is beauty in the world. So. Hang on. It IS worth it in the end."

Going to be living on my own, going to study and make photographs. Her writing lives today, originals somewhere in her profs' files at Evergreen, copies here; photos in her Deviant Art galleries. Including flower studies.

I photoed the flowers for this post this morning, in the home of some dear friends who have them.

The chorus on THIS Sunday morning is about rebirth and growth and not what was happening on THAT Sunday morning at twenty-six minutes past midnight. Not far from here, actually.

Flowers can become eternal in their unfolding, if you know where to look and how to open.

People can too.
Rose petals

those who have the least often give the most

During these weeks in 2008 Ki would have been in Cambodia, as we've posted. Comforting and counseling and loving homeless children.

That past March in 2008, she'd been filming video interviews with the homeless in downtown Olympia, a short bus ride down from campus.

The title of this post is a quote from this link, which she could have easily written, especially the reference to looking younger than she really is:


And one of the colleges, which she'd also applied to, had been Harvard.