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the world is quiet now

Wrote this a year or two ago, like Fallen Dragon, when I was 11 or 12.



I'm sinking,
The water closes over my head.
That feeling of going in too deep,
Too far,
The fear.

That feeling of doom,
Trying to hold my breath,
Trying to struggle upwards,
But failing.

I know I won't make it,
I know this is the end,
But though I long for death,
A chance to stop fighting,
Evolution has made me tough
And I know I've got to keep on trying.
Despite the fear.

I can't go on any longer.
The waters are black.
I cannot see the surface,
I struggle to see, to find
Some glimmer of light:
But the darkness is too strong,
And the fear.

It consumes me,
Feeds on me,
Takes over my waterlogged mind,
The loss of all good,
The knowledge of doom.

I beg it to stop,
But fear has no mercy.
I can't fight any longer,
I can't.
My chest lets go,
I breathe in death.
And fear rejoices.

A wave lifts me, then,
Lifts me above the water,
A hand, drawing me to land.
But fear has taken me too far,

Dragged me into its realm,
Forced me away.
The world is quiet now,
My body still, on the edge of the sea,
No longer needing to fight.

It is quiet now,
But not peaceful.
For I know what fear has taken --



Other lines Ki would go on to write, later in that year of 2003, November, and on beyond, wouldn't be from a short story or a poem, but from cautionary notes to us:

"I love you very much. I don't want to hurt you, make you suffer, make you feel guilty. I didn't want to hurt anyone...and please don't hurt yourselves, any of you. Please please please..."

Yes, that world is quiet now. But, the loss of peace and hope she felt in April 2003 is back now. And has been for awhile... at least, it is, right here in this one co-Mod life she keeps on giving gifts to.

May it be also in yours.