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then I just lay there smiling like an idiot


Lois had justified anger at me. And it hurt. I yelled at her. What could I have said? That although I am feeling fucked-up and unlovable and although I could reallyreally use some safe affection now, don't kiss me because I'm a dirty whore? ... The man I fucked. He called it rape. And he fucked me and he paid me and I left. And the fact that he paid me somehow changed it for everyone. Made it ok. Made it logical to forget if Kiota's feeling really fucked up and hating herself for being a fucked-up whore. I signed off and cried. And realized after awhile that I was more angry at myself than her. That I hated myself. That anyone would care about me. I'm just a fuck-up and a failure and a whore.


(2007, various days in July):
And omg. Last night eeeeeeeeeee. So awesome. It wasn't even sex, just fingering and a little bit of oral, but absolutely incredibly. Unfortunately I'm a little sore today. :(
And cuddling. Much cuddling. Awesomeness.

...a cute boy is sitting behind me playing with my hair. :D he woke me up this morning with coffee and chocolate. And now he's being cuddly and adorable. And he's also reading over my shoulder and kissing my neck.

And did I mention he's an absolute genius with his fingers and tongue?

...we just had the most awesome sex ever. ...not sure what made it quite so... outstandingly awesome. Possibly massive amounts of amazing foreplay that was basically... me lying on the bed topless, face down, and him like running his fingers up and down my back. That was the main thing, really. That plus the occasional massage, and it got so that every time I'd lean forward my back would give this involuntary sort of shiver. It was incredibly sensual and incredibly arousing. And then, fingering... and omgomgomg. There's certain things that need ironing out but it was SO. AMAZING.

And then I just lay there smiling like an idiot.

I'm still all relaxed n stuff.

...a hooker hit on me in Amsterdam. Beautiful half-naked women there. I like to look but I don't STARE... *Lia played a Euro game with me, to bet me, one of them crooked her finger at me yikes... right now in Holland I'm doing hash every day. Because I won't for another year. No worry about getting addicted cuz I can't transport illegal shit to Israel.


I've noticed that some of her words were extremely hard to re-post just now: words got misspelled, spacing errors crept in... I'm always aware that my fingers are duplicating exactly the same keystroke sequences that she originally did, and I feel that, vividly... it's a lot more than just pressing one key then another.

That applies to the 2005 entry first appearing above here.

I had "known" Ki only about five weeks at that time, and I first I got very discouraged then very annoyed about what she'd said, and I replied to her post in part: "Silverplate88: ... what's so wrong or difficult about bringing Ki a light, offering her some safe love and refuge and warmth when she can't lift her own arm to light her own way? Sure I get as scared as *Ariel. It's not a fraction as scary as watching Kiota being abandoned when her need is so large and so painful..."

Ten years down the road from that afternoon, from Lois' brother's wedding reception, eight years from the Amsterdam dancings, some things have traveled well. Ki later had gone on to post about how Ruud cared to ask about her own pleasure, what did *she* like, and what was it that she might not be quite ready for yet... she commented that "I've never had that." A partner actively interested in what she herself wanted ***emotionally***.

Day-and-night sex, in contrast, in these posts. I bet we've all been there at least once...

A partner actively caring about you and cuddling. Not simply getting up and grabbing a beer and/or getting dressed to leave for work, this day it might be grabbing the cell to see who called when you were 'busy.'

It isn't only for Ki:
...kinda writes the definition of "awesome", yes?

Blessings Be.