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Rose petals

Raw From My Mind at 3AM

That was the title of a long post Ki made on 31 July 2007 from her boyfriend's home in Holland. It's a detailed personal history of her life, and of all her thousands of entries the ending is one of the most positive and hopeful things she ever shared with us. She finishes:

"...I'd like to end this on a happier note... wheee, Ki's all better, had a rough life but she's totally happy now and living it up and hasn't cut in years and couldn't care less how much she weighs and if a guy hits on her, she tells him to fuck off.

But that's not how life is.

Things are never perfect. They are a hell of a lot better though... I'm going to college in September, I'm going to be living on my own, and I know I can. I'm going to study to be a social worker... help kids who're like I was, kids living on the streets, whoring, trying to leave it all behind, thinking there's no way anyone in the world truly loves them...

I cut not long ago, but that's not my life anymore... I don't have to be emaciated to feel good about myself. I don't think I deserve to be raped. I have people I can trust... and for once... they're not the only reason I'm living. I'm actually living for me. Because life's kind of fun, once you get used to it... I DID survive, and it was worth it. There is good in the world, and there is beauty in the world...

So. Hang on. It IS worth it in the end." (2007-07-31)

Brad/Silverplate88: Right now it's 3:05 AM in Boston as I'm posting, and got a few raw/non-raw things to say also. To note: Ki's 26th bday was 30 April 2015, she's gone on to another life more than seven years ago now. As we count the times, and she doesn't.

Each of us honors the reality of our love for Ki in our own personal ways. They are as different as one of us is from others of us. For me, it's beginning to develop that I'm seeing a little bit of the pattern that's been going on in my life. Last March 17, 2014, I got violently ill, off to the ER, very nearly died. But I didn't. Why not?

ATM I'm co-mod of this memorial site, that's one reason. But Reason Two might well be that I've just been led to scrape some $ together and buy tix to fly back across the country to Evergreen, to visit for a week in October, and to spend at least one night among the homeless of Olympia. Convos, photos if they let me and if it feels right. Just as Ki had done in the last days of her life here.

Where did I get the crazy idea that someone with tons of complications from advanced cancer could go fancydancing across the country like this?

Not my idea alone. Not by a long shot. I just listen to her and I'm quietly aware of who's NOT driving the boat.


So. It will be exciting. (Exciting is much too small a word.)

So just what is this that "IS worth it in the end"?

Each of us has private ways we feel she touches us. That's mine atm.

At 3:21 AM Boston time. Actually right now it's pretty mild and quiet. As she looks over my shoulder.

Blessings Be.