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the unwanted dancer

I don't know what to do... slept for an hour, then my Mom woke me up... she's been so angry at me lately. She told me, quite bluntly, that she needs me to be out of the house more. Needs me to sleep at Lachan tonight, not at home.

I am feeling quite unwanted. No, not just feeling. AM unwanted in my own home. And it's my fault for being so fucked up.

I don't know what to do. I am crying now and I can't go to Theatre like this and I have no energy for fucking Theatre, I didn't go to Ballet because my Mom says she's cancelling it. Theatre... fuck, I don't know. She said I have to sleep at Lachan today and that means going to Theatre. Means I have to get up and walk there and then I have to go to the class and once there I have to talk and must dance...

I can't. I can't. I have been depressed for so fucking long and if I go out of here I will never stop crying. I can't fucking cope and I can't stay at home because my Mom will be so angry and resentful and I honestly feel like she doesn't love me anymore. Bullshit, I know, but she seems so fucking angry and she refuses to touch me.

Fucking Catch-22. And I'm caught in the middle. Between the rock and the eagle.



Ki would be seventeen in a couple of months after she posted this. Lachan is the reference to Lachan School for At-Risk Youth, which is just a short walk down the hill from her family home. Lachan was started by two Israeli army veterans who wanted to give kids advantages they'd never had growing up. There are a bunch of "caravans" scattered around, we'd call them mobile home house trailers, converted into small dormitories where each student had a bunk, Ki included. Classes were held in separate buildings, Lachan has horse stables too. How Ki got there is that her parents took her out of the inpatient psychiatric treatment facility Eitanim in Jan 2004 and enrolled her in Lachan (since she'd dropped out of school earlier, needed alternative education, and had been living on the streets.) Theatre class had been started by a generous donor, students wrote a couple of plays and toured them internationally (before Ki's time.)

I visited the school on my trip to Israel and was able to meet with some of Ki's teachers and eat with the Co-Director and a few kids. Her English prof remembered her vividly and showed me her academic locker.

Ki would pretty much operate out of Lachan, not her family home, before she moved to America to take college courses at Northern Idaho Community College and to enter Evergreen's Class of 2011 in Fall '07...

The reference to the rock and the eagle is from mythology, Vulcan was the blacksmith to the gods and his assistant Prometheus stole the secret of fire and gave it to mortals, so V chained P so tightly to a rock on the seacoast that he couldn't move, and condemned him to stay alive while an eagle ate pieces out of his liver each day, while P was helpless to defend himself.