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Rotterdam HS

I still feel all relaxed and stuff...

From Brad, co-Mod ---

Just received my e-copy of LILITH, the feminist Jewish magazine, and one of the lead articles is titled "Sex in the Promised Land" and it's a review of some doctoral thesis research by one Dana Kaplan, getting her advanced degree in sexual researches in Tel Aviv, Israel's coastal principal city. So many things in this review are complete correspondences with Ki, who for five short weeks (which most everyone has forgotten about) lived in Tel Aviv (on-and-off) and had a job in a BDSM studio. There's lots more parallels than that. One being a couple books published in her lifetime about the environment she worked in.

I'm not aware that Ki ever used an LJ-cut, she was straightforward and VERY detail-descriptive of what she did and what she allowed to be done to her. Why I see all this as relevant to Ki (and to each of us, in our different ways) is that she experienced major energies in that part of her life, in both directions -- helpful and harmful -- and it's part of the reason why her love is so strong today, from the perspective that I do not think you're able to respect and honor your devotion to a person by just loving the parts you like and ditching the parts you don't.

So I wanted to share some of this here, and I want to be care-full at the same time, because you know what triggers you and what does not. Therefore, the warning:

possible triggers for sexual topics such as SI, eroticism, LGBT, abuse starting here

Going back to an October convo, a squabble with her boyfriend, Ki declares "I tend to sexualize my relationships because I have PTSD. I tend to feel insecure if someone doesn't find me sexually desirable because then it's like they don't like me. I don't dress provocatively or 'act seductive or exhibit inappropriately flirtatious behavior... Yeah. BIG LONG SLEEVES and pants are rteally fucking seductive. So is wearing loose sweaters and coats over everything. Right. How the FUCK do I act 'seductive' or 'flirtatious'?'" (CAPITALS are Kiota's.)

Then the last summer she was with us, in June and July 2007 there were rollercoasters. Through friends she joined a team of sex workers in a BDSM studio, posting "I actually have friends in this job!" Tel-Aviv is about 52 miles from her family home, across the country, it's a tiny country. It was farther than that for Ki to go from college to the Seattle airport to fly to Europe or wherever.

So we are talking out-of-town here. Most of the workers are women, at least one has an LJ. Ki got to dress in leather costumes, high vinyl boots, the standard rig, and become a pro dominatrix for clients and also a sub for the girls who wanted to play with her using bondage, hot wax, and whips. Ki journaled that it was important that she be able to test her body's limits for pain.

Later in the month of July she's back in Holland with her boyfriend, and they go off to a vacation-rental bungalow with mutual friends from Portugal. They share a bedroom, and she comments "my penis-phobia is still bad, things happened this year... but I'm making friends with it now..." "apparently fingering feels better when we're both standing up" and eventually adds, some time later, "...I'm pretty sure I had an orgasm and WOW... I'm still all happy about it. About fucking time." Many of us in her Friends group sent congratulations.

Also, "he cares how I feel, he wants me to feel pleasure too, it's not just about getting himself off... I've never had that."

"It's hard to generate excitement, anticipation, and lust with the same person you look to for comfort and security, but it's not impossible... " we are engaged "to be open to the magic and mystery of the erotic exploration that's possible..." Those quotes aren't from Ki, they're from sexologist Esther Perel's book Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (2006), in which there is a "Chapter 10 The Shadow of The Third, Rethinking Fidelity" and these issues were central to Ki's relationship with him, leading to their final breakup only a few hours before her mortal death.

In the LILITH review are also refs to Lee Walzer's 2000 book Between Sodom and Eden: A Gay Journey Through Today's Changing Israel. Ki was eleven in 2000, a rape survivor (1998) and "I came out at fourteen... my parents were very understanding." Soyeah, later it was something of a stretch for both her and us to find out all the positive stuff happening with her (male) boyfriend, at least positive for awhile.

One Israeli sex educator says "at nine, they think they're already teens...just look at all those sexy little Purim costumes on the streets!" She further notes that many '14- and 15-year-olds are becoming sexually active, (and) a kids hotline gets about 25 calls a day' from kids 'who don't understand that looking sexy is not the same as feeling good sexually, and that being sexual does not necessarily mean having intercourse.' Kiota started her career at TeenHelp as a Live Help Operator (LHO) before she started her LJ membership on 28 November 2002, over the few years she counseled kids involving precisely the same topics and others, and was on a LiveChat with LHO's a couple hours before she left us.

The title of this post is from Kiota's LJ entry on her orgasm.

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So the book refs are to Amazon and you can Google the Lilith title if you want, it's the Winter 2016 issue to look for. Author of the article is Barbara Gingold.

Blessings Be on this quiet Sunday eventide.