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rainbow lollies

what's so difficult about bringing Ki a light?

Here's a little exchange from Ki's (earlier) journal, and


Kiota on 19 November 2005:
.........Lois had justified anger at me {for whoring and then being late and missing the best part of her brother's wedding, then finally arriving, coming straight up to her and kissing her} but I'm a bit fragile. And it hurt. I yelled at her {later, online.} What could I have said? That although I am feeling fucked-up and unlovable and although I could reallyreally use some safe affection now, don't kiss me because I'm a dirty whore? ... The man I fucked. He called it rape. And he fucked me and he paid me and I left. And the fact that he paid me somehow changed it for everyone. Made it ok. Made it logical to forget if Kiota's really feeling fucked up and hating herself for being a fucked-up whore. I signed off and cried. And realized after awhile that I was more angry at myself than her. That I hated myself. That anyone should care about me. I'm just a fuck-up and a failure and a whore.

Brad on 20 November 2005:

............What's so wrong or difficult about bringing Ki a light, offering her some safe love and refuge and warmth when she can't raise her own arm to light her own way? Whatever that way may be and however long it might be? Sure I get as scared as *Judith. It's not a fraction as scary as watching Kiota being abandoned when her need is so large and so painful. ... which true and permanent friends would never do. Times like this, we find out who they are. And, aren't. ... Ki: thank you for being so special and so YOU. That "thank you" is permanent.

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*Judith = not her real name, she has an LJ account.
Lois = LJ UserID is Lotus82, her LJ is still up as a memorial, no new posts allowed, you can read her story there. Lois is a model for Ki, a former lover, and a first responder on Ki's final night with us.

Yes, I feel a little awkward quoting from myself, but I think it all fits here and is appropriate.

What I said on 20 November caused an immediate firestorm in Europe, the word at the time was "flamewar", and it prob still is right now --- LJournalers arguing with one another in cyberspace. Each of them took it as a personal insult that they had been called not-a-real-friend.

More than two years later as Ki and I sat on the walkway steps at Evergreen, she said "You know, *Liana hates you." I was all WTF, I don't even know *Liana and I've never written a word to her! Ki didn't reply to this but changed our convo as she drifted in and out of dissociation. Later, in May, *Liana and I had a very long convo in her own LJ, I tried to explain why I thought what had happened, had happened. One of *Liana's comments to me was that she was glad to find out that I was human and not an "enabler" after all.

The relationship between *Liana and Ki was that Ki was infatuated with her and constantly used her as a model for creative work.

So, the point of this memorial journal post, on this night we are more than ten years down the road from those 2005 entries: we are all of us in her chosen family, I once called it "your cyberfamily." It doesn't matter whether we actively engage with Kiota anymore or not, she left her trail of lights for years in TeenHelp and in our lives at the time and maybe she still does that. Through dormant memories, or active ones.

I think it's best summed up in a line from the film "Angie", the 1994 film by Martha Coolidge starring Geena Davis: "Life breaks everybody. The way I see it, it's up to the less broken to help the more broken..."

And if there's one basic message coming through all of LiveJournal, it's this: you are not alone, you don't have to do it alone. Ever.

Shalom and good evening and good morning from Brad/Silverplate88 co-Mod