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Time is all we have

Ki is writing in her LJ at about four in the morning on the last Monday she'd be here, 07 April 2008, and here are some of her beginning words and ---


"I say I'm better but I think I'm just getting calmer about it. When I was younger and suicidal, I'd always be hysterical. I just hurt so much I'd have to die at that very moment... Hey, I'm suicidal now. Whatever. I was suicidal last night, too. And then a couple times last week. I know I'm not going to do anything tonight. I'll just go to bed and probably in a couple days things will seem better. / But in a week? Month? Year? / I just keep being more and more sure it's the right decision... I don't know what it is to be able to trust people, to know that they're there because they want to talk to me, because they like me for me, that they really do care about me..."

(This next is by a press reviewer of our current production in my home theatre:)

"Time is the most valuable gift we can give to one another. Whether out of love, duty, or respect, to take the time to go out of your way in service of another is something that should be cherished by all of us, because when it's all said and done time is all we have. But you don't have to make any effort merely by being in someone's presence; it's about listening. Caring. To hear what your partner has to say with attentive respect, so that their thoughts and words live on through you -- that's how time is valuable..."

I've added the boldface and italics. Because this resonates deeply, for me this is all about why Ki is just as real to me now, right in these moments while I'm writing to you, just as real as when the two of us were eating dinner and breakfast together eight years ago, starting one day after she created her journal entry on the seventh. (I wanted to clean up afterwards, to wash the plate but she wouldn't hear of it, I was her guest...)

But certainly everything is not at all this personal with me, each one of us has special ways through which Ki lives now in our hearts. No matter what time it was, is now, and will be tomorrow. No matter what the last most previous entry in this memorial journal was, or will be next.

And especially on a larger canvas, worldwide in fact, when Ki spent a lot of time being an active counselor on TeenHelp, far longer than just one night, it was years --- her caring and her compassion came right through to each of the callers she counseled. And of course many times it happened that she was not saying any words at all, but just listening in silence to what the TeenHelp client caller was saying to her or crying about. Her silences were very soothing, warm, and compassionate. She listened with much more than a single ear, or double in a headset: with much more than only with her eyes fixed on her computer screen.

There's a saying in palmistry. As the palmist/psychic traces out the anatomy of your open hand, she says: "This is your life line. If you aren't doing anything with it, it doesn't matter how long it is."


And it doesn't matter what year it is, either.

I feel her showing us that all the time.... what to do.

Tonight and tomorrows. Tracers and listeners.

Blessings Be from Brad / Silver :: co-Mod