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it was videos this time

Well, maybe all the warnings we typed in CAPITALS and all the rest about Emma, in our last post, can be said better. In fact, it was. Ki said it and she speaks right out of the torture of her own experience and she wants it reposted right here in case it might help get the warning msgs across.

But first --- here's a pic Brad reprocessed from a group shot at our Jerusalem gay bar party, I know my eyes are wrong, the right color is hazel but the original pic was all bloodshot and his photoEditor gave me blue!

IMG_0579Large (8) EYE COLOR CORR crop to ki.jpg

This party happened a bit more than a year beyond my sixteenth birthday, and I was having one hell of a good time at the party, I was the only underage kid there, they sneaked me in and I did the rest! Especially with *Ariel!!! Ah, the memories...

Butyeah I wanna take you back to my birthday night with me, it's my sixteenth, in 2005--- and this is not the full thing, i wanna leave some of this out, on purpose:



i can't stand this i can't FUCKING stand this. triggered so badly. i did it to myself. my mental self-imagery shit. god. i hate myself so fucking badly. it was videos this time. it was goddamned videos and i'm crying and it's going in my head over and over and over... it feels like something's closing up in my chest and in my throat and I can see it and i can feel it. me and her and a million other girls they're just little girls they're just fucking little girls maybe eight and eleven and just-turned sixteen. if a man picked me up tomorrow and fucked me it's not rape anymore because i'm fucking sixteen years old. then i'm just a slut and a whore. yesterday it was rape and today i'm just a slut. i don't want to be sixteen i want to be a kid. i AM the kid in the fucking video and it hurts and i'm quiet... and i'm beautiful and i should be innocent but i'm not and today's my sixteenth birthday, sixteen and my first kiss was a man twenty or thirty or forty years my senior and it's not fair it's not fucking fair... why the fuck do i do this to myself? punishment for what? i feel now like i should go out and get raped. oops except it's not goddamn rape anymore is it? just get into a car and wait for someone to ask. would i say yes? would i? would i just shrug? probably just shrug... because i'm just nine fucking years old and shaking and crying and so fucking scared. (entry ends here)

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For those of us who have Ki's full Journal, the entry reference number is 364903.

As we've noted many times here, Ki's life with us was far from enduring every evening stuffed with shaking and crying. Many many other hours were filled with writing and music and, especially, photography -- images she created in Israel, in Europe, in America.

And also left for us (along with that entry.)

There's a super book we've just discovered, all about self-acceptance as a choice against self-blaming, choosing light instead of its absence. Coming up later tonight!

And for once there will be no need for a trigger warning, yay.

Stay tuned, if you will. Your choice.

As always. Toch altijd, in Dutch!


Is there a way to access her full journal?

Otter and I went over this issue when Ki's journal (this new one) was started. The history was that her father had demanded that LJ erase the original, along with all the comments she had ever made in other Journals, near the end of June 2008. LJ managers at the time complied, because they had to -- Ki was a minor and all her intellectual property became the property of her Estate, with him as Executor with full powers.

(She left no will, of course, just a suicide note... on her bed.)

So between the middle of April 2008 and the end of June was a short window.

Otter and I determined that the only Friends (or anyone) who had complete copies of her LJ would have had to download all 2700+ entries during those weeks. (A few seconds once you push the right buttons.)

Otter sent out a call to anyone who had a full copy to post it somewhere so this site could link to it.

In her FriendsLocked group, there were some 270+ of us (including you!!) who might have been able to do that. Nobody responded to us.

Personally, Otter doesn't have a full copy and I do not either, far from it, just some fragments here and there. And transcriptions of interest to me.

Nobody responded because maybe (1) they wanted to be very private about what they had, (2) they didn't download in those two months when it was still possible, (3) they were afraid of the legal troubles that might crash down on them if they posted, (4) all of the above.

Sorry not to be able to give you a Magic Link, but that's the situation this evening!

As with everything and everybody in this memorial journal, privacy is as important to us as our love for Ki and our devotion to her. What we have here tonight are offerings, just as she wants it. And along with that, outreach. Why this memorial is Public.

Blessings Be from Brad / co-Mod