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erin links to bridget

someone you can hug


"... aside from my family, who is obligated to love me, and people online, who claim to love me... there is no one in the world who does.

I'm not talking relationship-love, I'm talking friendship-love. Just being friends. Like, ranting to each other about how your day went or something. Like randomly hanging out together. Someone you can hug if you need a hug.

I don't have any of those. It feels kind of weird... my roomies have a lot of friends and, I don't know how they do it. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I know a lot of people by face and I say hi to them, it's not like I don't have any friends because I don't meet anyone. We just never move past the acquaintance stage.

I don't know what it is to know {people are} there because they want to talk to me, because they like me for me, that they really do care about me. I don't know what it's like to have friends.

So I'm pretty sure it's me. That there's something just wrong about me. That I'm doing something wrong. Fucking up."

<=> <=> <=> <=> <=>


This was a long wail, over months and years. Butbut Ki DID know what was wrong, she had been told by one of her lovers at school, and either she ignored it (likely) or would not change it (more likely.)

There was the following LJ exchange over three days the previous November... what had been going on in her world had been (a) serious suicide attempt/attempts which she recorded on IM during hours and hours of real-time with her friends in Europe --- this was late October, 2007 --- and the fallout was still happening weeks later:

Ki, 2007-11-22:

"...I think everyone hates me, or at least dislikes me. I think I'm annoying. I'm actually pretty damn sure I'm really fucking annoying. I think people don't like being around me, don't like talking to me, don't like hanging out with me. I feel awkward around people because I'm sure they're thinking about how they wish I wasn't there. I think that everyone thinks I'm a fuckup. I'd rather stay in my room and not impose my presence on anyone -- I always feel like I'm imposing."

{2007-11-23, LJ Friend replies:}

"at some point you just need to live your life and fuck it if someone finds you annoying. Everyone is annoying sometimes. There are some real jerks in the world, some people just won't like you, you don't click, you don't connect, whatever. It's normal and it's life. You deserve to go out, do things, etc., just as much as anyone else. You shouldn't have to lock yourself in your room for fear of inconveniencing others..."

{2007-11-24, Silverplate88 replies:}

"...I don't think you're a 'fuckup' and I'd bet that most of us here don't think so either. So, irl if you impose on someone, THEY will decide how they want to see that as imposing, and if/how they want to handle it. In cyberspace, people who love to moan and groan about you can go away with a click of a key or two. Their choice, your choice.

It might come down to how much violence you're ready to do to your inner selfhood, so you can think others will feel however-the-hell you want them to feel.

It's called being authentic and being loved.

Sometimes, doing both of these at the same time = a tiny wire to keep your balance on O.o"

{also 2007-11-24, another friend replies, she actually had been there watching this happen:}

"I'm sure no one hates you. You are a person of good intentions and I realize you do not mean to hurt anyone. You are just self-centered and self-absorbed. Not because you cut yourself or because you attempted suicide. You have a tendency to ignore social cues and impose yourself. You talk about yourself excessively without letting others get a word in. You tell people very personal information about yourself inappropriately, instead of waiting until you know someone better... Although I tried to explain to you that it was annoying people you ignored me.

I do not think you mean to do any of this, but it is frustrating."

{and an hour and a half later, Ki debated: "...I'm perfectly aware that I have no social skills and do all of the above, am annoying and imposing, etc. Hence, as I said, a reason why I don't leave my room. Because I'm aware of it and fucking hate myself for it."}

Unfortunately this was still the situation when we visited four months later, that next April. I was a complete stranger to her friends downstairs in her small building, three times they stopped me in the stairwell landing for long convos about Kiota's emo and physical state, to them it seemed she had chosen to become a hermit, they were plainly worried. To me, they were compassionate and engaging and friendly, and said so. A completely different reality from what Ki posted about.

But of course it was her reality that mattered.