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I can't keep falling forever

why doesn't anyone ever talk about it?





I bought a couple self-help books from Amazon (used books because I'm pooor). One about depression... and one for SA, The Courage to Heal Workbook. I had them shipped to my grandparents' house (I live in Israel, and shipping is veeery expensive), and last night, when I arrived in the US, my grandfather gave me the books. Naturally he'd opened the packages they'd arrived in -- it was just books, after all, nothing personal... right?


He didn't say anything about the workbook. Wondering if he doubts I was raped. Maybe my mother told him. I don't know. He's never said anything about it. He didn't say anything about the book.

I wish he did. I'm paranoid. Wondering if he doubts I was raped. If he thinks it's my fault. Of course not. He loves me. I know he does. But still I wish he'd said SOMETHING. My mother as well. She didn't say anything, except it was a good idea to get both the workbook and the book, which I borrowed today from the library.

It's the First Edition. A big, conspicuous book. The librarian didn't say anything about it. I wondered what she thought. My grandmother didn't say anything either.

I wish people talked about it more. I've heard it all -- it's not my fault, nothing to be ashamed of. Then why doesn't anyone ever talk about it?

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Responder 1: Because they don't want to pry. I used to get the books, too, and leave them in prominent places around the house. I would talk to my mother and list the diagnostic criteria for anorexia and wait for her to finally make the connection , and she never did until I was literally at death's door. Why not? "Oh, honey, I didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

*sigh* it's hard.

Your grandfather and your mother love you. They don't want to make it worse, and probably can't figure out what's "safe" to say.

Responder 2: ...it isn't your fault, and the silence makes you feel it IS. =destructive.

love you X

Silverplate88, today: It does not matter how much help is available globally, what really matters is the silence coming out of the people directly related to you and/or those who matter most to you.

What once worked on me was direct confrontation: my college lover *Deidre and I were in intimate convo, I stopped abruptly, and she said "Won't you please tell me WHY you won't talk about this with me?"

Lots of tears and huggles followed and we shared a lot of stuff that our physical lovemaking had pre-empted.

Not that this would have been a surefire solution for Kiota. First, it had taken Deirdre a boatload of courage to put it that way. Second is the possibility that one or more of Ki's relatives have their own long-ago personal experiences or issues which they cannot bring out of where they've deeply buried them. Long ago.

It just now occurs to us what a great joy it would have been if all four of them --- Ki, her mom, her mom's mom, and her mom's dad --- had been able to sit down at one table and work through the workbook together. Not all at once in a firestorm avalanche of emotion, however... just bit by bit.

This is a lonnnnnnnnnng stretch, of course, and we have no way of knowing ----> but just maybe there would not have been an April thirteenth.

The icon I posted today is the original one Ki chooses for her entry.