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like she was only sleeping

About ten years ago, Ki emailed me a model study, a photo of herself, commenting that

"I'm not very photogenic. I did take a few photos of myself awhile ago, couple days back. I'll send a couple to you if you PROMISE me you'll give me your honest opinion on whether I could model. Honest answer. I don't want to waste my time on it if I'm not modeling material."

I've just looked up that email again, and this was the image she attached...

Imagem 003 she looked like she was sleeping.jpg

(Her face isn't nearly that red in the original.)

I always think of this pic on this day. April 18th in 2008 was her burial morning in Cfar Etzion, a cemetery near her home in Israel; and that evening was the start of Passover... it was a Friday. One week after we'd left her dorm room on campus. Helping me catch the bus connection to my night flight back East...

April 18, today, a Tuesday, nine years later, I'm on the same walkways and in the same part of the libe where we had met that last day.

Elizabeth is one of her cousins, about the same age then, who lived in Texas; she made the flight through London, with her mother, to attend the funeral. Afterwards, Elizabeth flew back home and she wrote a memoir describing that morning, how acquaintances "drove all the way through the desert" to get there by 10:30 local time. She also wrote "one of the women who had prepared Anna's body for burial came up to me and told me,

'she looked like an angel, like she was only sleeping.'"

Ki warned me in 2007 that she NEVER wore eye makeup, especially not pale green, or really never wore any at all, she'd just done that for the study.

She didn't just "look" like an angel...

Then, nor now either. It's lots more than that.


Oh, Ki. I wish I could tell her how much better I got than I used to be and how much her words helped me. her death didn't hit me for days until one day in german class we were watching a movie and I just suddenly felt the weight of truly never seeing her log in again or post on AG. I'd never get to actually meet her. I cried in the dark that entire class. :(

My dad never took pictures of himself, either. Only of other people. We have almost no pictures of him now that he's gone. His warning and Kiota's example drive me to ignore my insecurity and take pictures for my family and friends to remember me by when I'm gone :(

I miss you, Kiota. You did so much for me. I'll never get to tell you about how the first time I got drunk I puked in someone's hair and had to be carried upstairs. Or how the first time I got high I about died coughing. Or my stupid first cigarette so you could yell at me for taking my first step to addiction. To have shared my pregnancy with her! And for her to have been a god-aunt to my son. She would have loved him :( I wish I could go back in time and tell her it gets better.

She was so many things to so many people and was too beautiful for this world ;_; rest in peace, angel
SP88 responding:

I also got hit in a similar way, realizing that there never would even be ONE more email from her --- ever --- and we had shared hundreds. And no more conversations.

Photos of yourself are wonderful. She put a couple of herself on AG and sent me a few, but her favourite place was behind her cam, not in front of it.

Even after warnings for years, she left us so suddenly that we still had lots to say to her.

Not only is she resting in peace, she wants us to have peace too.

And my personal feeling is that I don't have to go "back in time" at all, in order to share with her... because she left part of herself inside each one of our hearts, timelessly. Right now, as you're reading this...

She wants us to know that love is timeless and she is, also.